My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Most Serene Highness Lady Susan the Nefarious of Chipping Sodbury Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

As if, I tell you...
My noble title labels me as of criminal rank.

Lady Susan is a fictitious Austen character who pursued her designs with an icy cold detachment.

Chipping Sodbury turns out to be a market town in South Gloucestershire, England. It once had a bad reputation for flooding and disrupting the main railway line to and from South Wales. It also commands the widest street in England.
The town's name was inspired by a comic newspaper highlighting satire.

But me wicked? With my immeasurable compassionate missionary work for the hopelessly unmarried fraternity? Pleeease! Ask any one of my dedicated charities. Any celibate-spinster over 52 of any size, shape or strange features like a half-balding head, the droop of a boob or the loss of teeth would be delighted to co-operate.

A word of caution

Make sure that the spinster in question, is not hard of hearing. And also that when she gives the Aye, Aye signal for my excellent reputation, that you don't get blinded or even worse, knocked over, by a nasty chunk of arm-flab. Precautions are essential when you deal with the living dead! But you don't want to end up dead yourself!