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Location: Dublin, Republic of, Ireland

Saturday, 9 September 2006

Scrambled Spinsters

by Susan Abraham

(from an observation of a few Pentecostal churches in Malaysia)

A Sad Introduction

The average born-again Christian spinster, having passed a respectable age, with her shrivelled clitoris. Where will she go? Where will she go?

Clever born-again Christian spinsters where I currently live, own hardy umbrellas. They have a natural aptitude for swinging them about this way and that and sometimes poking the tip in wrong places, when out of an angered frustration, they themselves fail to get poked.

Here is a common scene in an 'annointed' church service.

The pastor calls out at the end of the service. The pianist plays a melancholy tune, hinting that a bridal gown may only be worn in a coffin as a final wish. Back to the booming voice of the pastor. The silence is hushed.

"I have a message from the Lord. Thus saith the Lord...my beautiful children, are you lonely, are you lost, do you cry in your icy Dunlopillo beds every night? I have husbands coming from heaven for each of your frustrations.

My daughters, my sobbing daughters, no matter what your ages, no matter how hopeless you are at ironing - burning shirts and neckties and what-have-you..., no matter how often you put sugar in the curries, no matter that you accidentally entered a pornographic site and mind you stayed 5 minutes longer than was necessary...don't think God didn't notice...your husbands ARE COMING!!! Alleluia, praise the Lord!

He's rocketing down now on Apollo 11. No. No. I see the number 13. Your husband is on his way from Apollo 13. Is it Superman? Is it Batman? Is it Austin Powers? No, No. Nothing as handsome. I see a moustache...I SEE A BEARD! I see angels working overtime.Filing their petty cash claims.

"Come up to the pulpit my daughters. Come and catch the annointing...if I call your names, then be prepared for the miracle divine intervention and the prophetic knowledge that your future husbands are in the car-park!

"I see a husband FOR YOU AND YOU AND YOU!...Be slain in the spirit, catch the power of Jesus who is bringing to you, right now, my good woman...I see the vision of an engagement ring...a diamond solitaire..specially ordered XXL!"

The 55-year old obese virgin whose bra brand, they no longer make, shoots up with desperate interest and miraculous strength. She drops again with a loud thud and an earthquake crater, having fainted from sheer disbelief. No evacuation is necessary.

A little confusion reigns. Women, mostly pensioners, hobble forward...some on the brink of their last years with the aid of hickories and doddery steps. Oh, oh! Someone has had a fall and cannot get up again. They wear plain names like Mary Lim, Jane Tan, Magdalene Aloysius Pereira, Esther daughter of Alexander the Great descendant of the 100th, Emily Santamaria, Martha Judas Pereira & Ruth Batsheba. Sometimes they take on flowery dispositions like Rose, Lily, Orchid, Sunflower or more ambitious ones like Lavender-Mary-Magdalene Gomez aka Lily-of-the-Valley.

None wear make-up. None wear minis. Everyone's hairstyle is caught in a time warp. They walk in a daze and trance, trying to catch the power of their last chance. They look like something scary out of Dawn of the Dead.

Surely God will reward the faithful.

The spinsters read their bibles and wait eagerly for Mr. Right to parachute from the sky. They do this twice a day after every meal, night-time and morning-time. And they never ever forget their cell-group capsules every Thursday that would substitute for regular check-ups. In critical cases, urgent intercession and fasting may be advised.

Sometimes, the females in question, claim promises that are strangely extraordinary.

"The heavens opened and an angel blew a trumpet and the fourth angel called out, My Divine Daughter, Serial No. 1332312 Registered Name: Shirley Santamaria Spinsteria Thambiah filed under Husbando Desperado, Book of the Living Comatose.

"You will witness the sign of an eagle in the night sky. And when this comes about, look out the next morning for a Tom Cruise lookalike purchasing evaporated milk and four white eggs from Ah Chong Cash-n-Carry Supermarket in your neighbourhood.

Take a rag. The eggs will spill and crash when Mr. ArumugamPillai sees you charging towads him. This is the second sign. Mr. Pillai will be instinctively reminded of a Spanish bullfight. He will scream! This is the third sign. Take ear-plugs! Because you are short-sighted, it is in the Lord's command and easiest convenience that you invest in a pair of binoculars."

Now, when they return to their seats, you feel the shaky women are all floating on air. Their breasts have drooped to the sharp dip of the Dead Sea (earth's lowest point) brought on by old age and complete neglect. Their promising orgasms have long vanished. But a miracle takes place. Wrinkly prunes rise from the dead and ressurect upwards like laser beams targetting the rapture.

In the meanwhile, if you do spot any vanishing orgasm floating mysteriously around Alaska, please return said belonging to its rightful owner by courier. Have mercy! Have mercy!

I am filled with compassion and so follows my heartfelt prayer:

"Oh dear sweet Jesus, I pray.
When you send the husbands,
please make sure he wears his dentures,
And that he's got the right optical frames
to avoid nasty cobwebs from down-under!
Ohh...and on no account, forget the Viagra.
The menopausal brides may turn aggressive.
Except that if you see more than 10 condoms being
used all at once, Heavenly Father, I ask that you
mercifully prepare the gravesite.
A widow may sound more respectable than a spinster.

P.S. May the husband avoid museums while on honeymoon
In case, the new wife is mistaken for an exhibit toon.
And if you see her scuttling with glee like a cartoon
Redeem her posture before she attempts a passionate croon to the moon.

Whatever would Jane Austen say but at least she had for her caricature amusement, the dashing John Willoughby....

from a concerned citizen

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